Hangin' In There (Part II)

I'm finally feeling well enough to contribute once more to our little dialogue. Did you notice the chains around those elephant ankles that Linda posted? Well, as much as the swelling is disfiguring and disabling (I kind of feel like an elongated water balloon in which you cannot get control of any part of the balloon without the rest of it slipping into the grip of gravity), the worst part of all this experience has been the constraint on my freedom, the chains limiting my sense of control.

While in the hospital, I would drive the nurses crazy by constantly (and at all hours), leaving the confinement of my room and roam the halls, pacing back and forth the length of the eight-bed special oncology unit like a caged tiger. I resented any limitation on my sense of control -- the inability to control the room temperature, the constant interruption of sleep, the limitation of choices with regard to what and when I could eat, the inability to shower, the tethering to an IV pole, and worst, the shackling to a continuous heart and BP monitor during those times when I required pressors to sustain reasonable vital signs.

As I think about it, I have concluded that I am a wimp as a patient. Many of my own patients have suffered far worse when it comes to loss of control. My sister-in-law Genelle has bravely adjusted to the theft of her personal freedoms imposed by a rampant form of multiple sclerosis. My former nurse's husband gracefully suffered the ultimate torture of the progressive loss of all mobility (and the loss of his very life) as Lou Gehrig's disease robbed him of all neuromuscular control.

Have you ever wondered, "Why is this need for control such a powerful force within me?" Clearly it is a potent and universal element of the human spirit -- "Give me liberty or give me death!" I believe it is implanted within us as created beings, made in the image of God. It is a gift of the One who made us to take control of our universe, even as our Creator remains in ultimate control (Genesis 1:28).

I am learning through this experience what a precious and fragile gift it is. When my freedom is limited in any way, my natural tendency is to resist and to rebel. But I am also learning, reluctantly, that ultimate freedom is an internal quality that does not rely so much on the ability to control my external environment as it does on the ability to control my "internal environment" -- my thought life, my moral choices, my attitudes.

When the apostle Paul said in Galations 5:1 "It was for freedom that Christ set us free", I believe it is this kind of liberation he had in mind. The kind of freedom that transcends circumstances and is only realized as I give up control to the One who loves me and has my destiny in His hands.

Learning to relax in my Redeemer,
Dan

PS -- Those of you who read the fine print may have noticed that many of my blogs have been published in the wee hours of the morning. This is mainly because of complicating conditions that tend to slow the pace of recovery after each treatment: restless leg syndrome and insomnia. Interestingly, both relate to this powerful innate urge to control. The first arises from a need to control the movement of my legs, prompting me to get out of bed and exercise that control by overcoming the otherwise random restlessness of the lower leg muscles. The other is cured by the process of reliquishing all control of conscious thought -- it's called sleep, and when it comes, it is sweet! Ironically, snoring is the sound of freedom.