Lord, We Need to Talk

Okay, it has been a little while since I have had the energy to provide an update on my condition, and since I’m not entirely comfortable just talking about me, you may have noticed that I have focused on just those things that have lifted my spirits or moved me to have hope and comfort in the midst of this difficult journey. But this time, I’m going to try to tell it like it is. For those of you who may not want to know some of the ugly side of this experience, close your eyes and drop down to the end of this entry.

Here’s a summary of what’s been happening:
· Without any specific treatment to date (apart from the gamma knife procedure for the brain metastases), the cancerous growths in the liver have apparently enlarged, resulting in more pain across the abdomen, complete loss of appetite, early satiety, constant nausea and frequent (painful) belching. All of this has been complicated by severe constipation induced by some of the medications I am on. For those of my patients looking for a successful way to lose weight, I now have a sure-fire strategy :-)
· For two weeks now, I have developed a daily pattern beginning at about 5pm of 12 hours of severe flu-like symptoms (fever, chills, soaking night sweats, weakness, and generalized musculoskeletal pain involving ribs, back, sacrum, hips, shoulders, forearms, and thighs), along with the background nausea. This has presented some difficulty in achieving any restorative sleep at night. Over time, however, and with the help of medications, we are learning to manage these symptoms.
· The results of the core needle biopsy of the left parotid gland confirmed that the growths there were metastatic melanoma all along – still no clue where it may have started.
· On Thursday, 2/21/08, we traveled to Charlottesville to consult with Dr Grosh. Although he assured us that the previous tests did not preclude my entry into the IL-2 treatment protocol, he seemed particularly concerned about the daily pattern of fever, chills, night sweats, etc. While acknowledging that these symptoms were most likely due to so-called “tumor fever” from the metastases in the liver, he wanted to be sure that there was no underlying infection. He also wanted me to have an MRI of the entire spine to rule out potential nerve-compressing metastases there. So I underwent a host of blood and urine tests and a repeat chest X-ray, and we returned home.
· Friday was spent recovering from the rigors of travel the day before and trying to arrange the MRI. Late that afternoon I received a call from my local oncologist’s office, indicating that Dr Grosh was concerned that I could have an early pneumonia based on the findings of the chest X-ray. He wanted me to undergo another CAT scan of the chest to be certain. Since I had experienced a dry painful cough that afternoon and a higher than usual fever, we made another trip to the emergency room that evening. Long story, short, studies showed no evidence of pneumonia, only some fluid collection around the lung on the right side. We are grateful for that.
· We now have the MRI scheduled for next Tuesday and if no other obstacles present themselves, we plan to return to UVA to begin the inpatient treatment program on Monday, 3/3/08.
· Today was not a fun day – the fever started earlier than usual, accompanied by worsening fatigue and nausea that would not respond to the usual medication and making it almost impossible to eat. So I told the Lord, “We need to talk…”

I got alone and we had a conversation. I want you to understand I have not been privileged to hear an audible voice from God, but somehow He makes His thoughts known, sometimes by reminding me of truths from scripture, sometimes by silence, and sometimes by deep-seated impressions that speak to my spirit. His first response: “Of course we need to talk. I’ve always wanted you to feel free to speak with Me at any time. You know I love you very much.”

I thanked Him for His love, acknowledged that I was counting on that, and simply pleaded for some glimpse into what He wanted me to learn through all of this, asking for a little break from the weakness and nausea so I could comfort my Linda. He did not respond right away but later this evening as Linda read me a passage from a book sent by an old friend titled The Shack, He gently reminded me that the basis of my question stood on a false (and doggedly persistent) assumption that I have RIGHTS. As difficult as it is (for all of us) to accept, all such rights are an illusion and a reflection of our inexorable tendency to want to wrest control of our lives out of someone else’s hands, even God’s.

The unspoken thought is that I have a right to grow old with my wife; I have a right to see my grandchildren grow up; I at least have a right to a few hours of relief from this progressive illness – right?? In some earlier entry I wrote: “None of us deserves tomorrow.” That is ultimately and absolutely true. And it is so, because we are created beings who have rebelled against a loving and holy Creator. When we did so, we lost all claim to any rights or expectations that would otherwise accompany an unbroken relationship with Him. But because we have a God who is also merciful and full of grace, we begin to think that somehow we deserve His blessings.

As Linda read on, the Lord continued His conversation with me (really with us), reminding me of His grace and love. Simultaneously I felt strengthened, the nausea subsided and Linda and I enjoyed a bowl of ice cream! This wasn’t a right, but a great privilege.

Grateful for another day,
Dan

PS -- It's not that God does not grant us rights. He certainly does -- we have the right to bless others, to help meet others' needs, even to overcome the forces of evil in this world (Matthew 10:1). And the greatest right He offers us comes ironically not from wresting control for ourselves, rather by surrendering all control to Him: "But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name." (John 1:12)